Indian TV scenario

The Indian Television Scenario is in a very pitiable state right now.

Daily soaps are Banal. Never ending, teary eyed people, who have amazing SPECIAL EFFECTS(so much that they don't seem special anymore) given to every single action they perform.

* Rani gets a cup...Thunder and Trumpets Blare.
* Rani Fills water in the Cup...Sweet melodious Guitar.
* Rani's smiling...Audiences take the hint. Anyone happy in a soap means some disaster is gonna occur in the very next scene.
* Rani Drinks the water...Extreme Bass and Violins.
* A bitchy eyed lady with too much of make-up looks at Rani smugly and gives a smile...Cat sounds(woulda been dogs if she were a ghost)..
* Suddenly Rani Chokes over the Water...Again fast paced, thrilling music in the background...
===***End of todays episode. ***===

Over the course of two months, you'll realize that the water was poisoned by the Bitchy lady and Rani is about to die. After 15 days(Human days not serial Days) in ICU she miraculously survives but is in a coma for three months, throughout which the bitchy lady keeps trying to kill her but cant get the job done because of family members intruding. Then she hires professionals, who are beaten up by Rani's husband. Another week later the Goondas come in Mahindra Scorpio and Kidnap Rani's Husband. That's exactly when Rani snaps out of her coma and starts a search for her husband...And so it goes people.

I'd be grateful if different soaps had different actors...but the same dude performs the role of a Goonda in one and that of a Handicap in the other. And the characterizations mingle...the handicap is actually a don pretending to have a disability(Lookup: People First Language) while the Goonda is a police Inspector in disguise. And then after a few years, the police in the eight o clock soap captures the don in the nine o clock soap...and they turn out to be twin brothers(In reality they're both the same guy).

Moving over to Reality shows, yet another genre of TV that Indians have managed to overdo. Hunt for Dancers, Singers Actors VJs and what not. Living in a house for ages..Why should Soap artists participate in dance shows when those guys dancing behind them dance way better than these goofs?? Why cant we have a competition between professional dancers?? Why don't tv people think out of the box? Maybe cuz they're IN THE BOX.

Talk Shows: When celebrities appear on TV occasionally, that program can be called special. If u make an entire show that has only celebrities featuring in it and run it daily, then you have a daily special, which might as well be a sign board in a local fast food joint. Once the show runs out of major stars they start inviting amateur directors, cameramen, light men, tea boys into the show. These people are a pain in the ass and bring along with them a pan of irritation(Yes I coined that...a pan of irritation). Ask Any actress who has acted with more than two male leads...
"which co-star did you like better?"
"Umm...I cant really choose. They've both been so good to me. They're equally good in their own right. One is a really sweet person while the other is very naughty. No I'm not lying or being diplomatic."

What's with the diplomacy Bullshit?!! I wonder what some of these actresses mean when they say their co-stars are "Naughty". And why cant they give us a SINGLE answer?? When you are given choices you gotta choose ONE out of the four. Not all. Not two. ONE. Its kinda like going to KBC and saying "I cant choose between them. They all look equally correct". Maybe then they ought to introduce lifelines in talk shows. I just hope they don't really implement this idea. Because then we'll have two celebrities talking on-air. So that'd make it ON-AIR, ON-LINE and totally OFF-TRACK.

Comedy Shows are by far the best thing Indian TV can offer right now. But then they're gonna run out of jokes I tell you...Do the math..33 channels all of them with Joke shows which have a minimum of 3 seasons each...Each season with at least 10 comedians. The world will run out of jokes. Thats like my worst nightmare coming true. imagine hanging around with friends and the moment you crack a joke(ignorant of the fact that it has already appeared on air n someone said it better than u), ur friends start fighting over "which channel it appeared first". This world is going to the dogs!

Advertisements: Just when the soap was getting interesting. Just when India lost a wicket!! Even before the third umpire decides whether its out or not. How annoying! And they have amazing timing. When Dhoni gets out without any of his trademark off-beat strokeplay, we have a kid striking the ball hard and saying "Main Ban gaya Dhoni". Dhoni's acceptable. It was a lot more irritating when it was Sachin or Sourav dada. Maybe these ads are for players like Rahul Dravid and other talented youngsters to know their future team mates while they warm the benches..If at all Sachin and Sourav decide to retire in this decade. I have this very big doubt. Why should ALL the channels have ads at the same time?? ANNOYING. Although some ads are highly creative, they make us laugh...but we'll never stop saying "OH DARN THESE ADS!" if their timing is poor.

News: You can hardly see anything, courtesy share market values, cricket updates and hot news that take up 50% of the screen space. Have you ever tuned into a news channel in the mornings?? Just to check the time or catch up with something hot...and u see dead bodies massacred. Not quite what you wanted to see first thing in the morning. And then some of these channels make up controversies to sell their news. Sting Operations. Secret Hidden Cameras. Why cant news be fun?? Why cant they have a "good-news show" instead of a good-morning show. And why do they call it GOOD when all they serve is bad news? The folks at Headlines Today have got it all wrong,. When I mean GOOD news it doesn mean all I wanna know about is Bollywood gossip and cricket. They have three women hosting a breakfast show(which apparently Shah Rukh Khan likes) who dress up with a motto that says "Skimpier the Better". People! There is this fat guy and another girl with curly hair who host a show called "Entertainment Quarter". I couldn never hate anyone more than these two. I don't know their names cuz I didn't care to note, but u hafta see them to know how badly the term "constructive Journalism" can be misinterpreted.

Into this messed up life of Indian TV viewers, Throw in Conditional Access System(CAS), which makes u buy a Set Top Box to watch TV. Kinda like saying...The remote doesn't come with the TV. You gotta buy a remote separately to Change channels else u gotta watch only the same channel at the same volume level. Tested in Chennai and after "PHENOMENAL SUCCESS" spread to other cities as well. Advantages of the set top boxes are that they don't necessarily have to be on TOP of your TV. They can be on the sides as well. More Importantly you can watch cricket matches and WWE. And loads of other soaps in loads of other channels. Disadvantages? They're like your mobile...u gotta keep moving them to get proper signal. So u spend half the time moving the supposedly fixed "SET TOP" box and the rest of the time you spend looking at a rectangular box that says "NO SIGNAL". All this for 3000 bucks extra or an EMI.

No wonder DVDs are such a huge hit. No annoying advertisements, pause anytime you wanna pee and anywhere between one to eight movies in ONE disc.

Gay-Guy

Pyre-ah-mid of TUNT-ah-cum-in

DUDE!! Its Pyramid Of Tutankhamen, alright?? You're getting on my nerves.

How gay can you get?

EX-cuse me?

Oh Common man, it shows, okay? You've got an ear pierced, you secretly admire pink...

No I dont!!

..You check out guys as much as u check out girls. You must atleast be Bi.

For God's sake!! I don't check guys out. You...You want the Burger don't you?? Is that why you're pestering me??

Well, actually, I want Bananas. But I also have a point. You are gay. Atleast u don't mind men touching you.

What?!

Yeah what about the guy in college who could never talk without touching the other person? Everyone maintains their distance from him, except you.

I was being good...you know what? You just want the damn bananas. Just go get it and stop calling me gay.

Oh no no no. A buncha bananas is all I get for hiding such a great secret?

Dude, I'm not gay and u are...Throwing away the banana peel in the middle of the road.

We're at the signal so technically we are not in the middle of the road. We're at the end.

You cant just throw away the banana Peel there. It's risky!

Sure I can. Watch me do it again. And off it goes.

You are UN-Buh-Leave-able.

Don't you mean unbelievably attractive gay-boy?

Stop it, you nut!

Oh sorry do you prefer gay-guy or gay girl or is it just plain gay??

You ever fancy walking this road with a broken nose??

Okays, I guess I stepped it up a little.

A little??

Alright, a lot. Look, I'm sorry ok? Hey! Can u buy me peanuts?

You...what the ..

What? What happened?

Didn't you see what happened??

Oh, that. Some guy just slipped on a banana peel and fell. So what?? Buy me peanuts.

Look I think I cant...

Blah Blah Blah...Peanuts please!

Ok here...go get it. Buy it from that shop.

Why?

Cuz thats farthest from here.

You look cute when you're angry.

And I spent half the morning listening to YOU calling ME gay.
============

ATMs

ATMs are fun.

Do you know Irfan? He is a bachelor, who works for a company as a marketing executive. Came to the city from his hometown to make a better living. Made friends and shares a room with seven people. Irfan hates to sleep in a dingy room with seven others. He feels kinda gay. So when Irfan met Raju, an ATM security guard, he couldn't believe his luck.

How would you like to sleep in a comfortable air conditioned room with a personal bodyguard?? Here's the latest in Biz news...U can rent out an ATM booth. Available on daily weekly or monthly basis. All you have to do is get the consent of the security guard and pay him the money and he will gladly let you sleep in the booth and look out for intruders all night. Night life in India might be getting better but not all of them would turn up at an ATM center. So you wouldn't be disturbed in your sleep. Whats more you can bring in your own water bottle.

People and ATMs don't agree too well, do they?? I mean it works yeah but safety is somethin we often overlook. I saw this really smart chap, who drew money from the ATM moved toward the glass pane(the exit) and started counting the money. I must say pretty nice way of inviting trouble. I have used ATM for years and take it from me, these machines don't make mistakes I never count the money. Even if I had to I'd do it away from the glass panes because people from outside can see. You never know who might be waiting with a night club just around the corner.

The other day my friend Mars(thats what we call him) was looking ill at ease. I asked him what the matter was. He said he lost his purse and it had his ATM card. I said thats okay dude no one can use it unless they know our pin. He said, "I wrote it down and kept it along with the card in case I forget." Thankfully he found it and I had him remove that paper. How tough is it remembering a four digit number(I'm not qualified to talk about memory..still).

There are people who don't know which way you put the card in. So they turn around and call the immediate next person in the queue and ask them for help. Some even ask them to type the PIN numbers for them. Heights of Foolishness. Best person to ask for help is the guard himself. Sometimes even that isn't safe. So don't go to an ATM unless u know how to work it.

Another Anecdote...There was a really absent minded guy named Vinay, who went to the ATM and drew money. He was very careful not to let anyone peek while he was typing the PIN. He was very careful not to count the cash. He put the money safe into his pocket and was Paranoid and Circumspect all the while. When he was leaving the ATM, he didn't notice the BEEP sounds the machine was giving. I forgot to retrieve my card!!! The guard was not appreciative I tell you. After a ear fulla advice I went home straight to make a post involving safety while using ATMs.

Change-O-Phobia

I'm Phobic to change.

I hate change of any sort. But then Lie is fulla changes n I gotta learn to live with the darkest shades of my fears. But I've always wondered, wouldn't it be wonderful if everyday was the same??

You go to office, work eat lunch come back home enjoy tea with family play badminton hit the gym eat and sleep. Weekend movies or a beach resort. What a fun! Just the way u wanted. No unexpected accidents, no incidents. No death of near ones. No loss. It'd be amazing. I would definitely agree to work for no profit if i was promised there'd be no loss at all. As long as I can make ends meet I dont ask for more. I live a very contented life. Sometimes I feel my heart is too content. Even if I get nothing I tell myself it could be a lot worse. Sometimes I don't move to change things. I'm glad the way they are. I'm glad being what I am.

Maybe this one particular feeling is the single most important factor that obstructs my path to success. If I know one more step will get me to the top I wont take it. I'm glad staying this high up. One step close to success is good enough for me. I won't try to take that step. As I said I'm afraid of Change. Is this what people call complacency?

Have you ever had to give up a relation and move on for common good? When u do that, when u know wat u r doing is the right thing and yet u have this feeling, just a scintilla of this thought, how far better would life be if it hadn't have to be this way??

Friendly Woes - Part 3

The Past Chapter 2

Ever since Natasha went missing, and the police searching for her in every nook and corner(or so they claimed), Frank and Cabby could not stay at peace. So they decided to go searching for her. They let themselves into her apartment.

The police had already been to Natasha's apartment and searching for clues. So the place looked like burglars had ransacked it. Maybe the police helped themselves to anything valuable they found in the apartment because the police in this part of the world do not approve of a single girl living alone with occasional male visitors coming late in the night(Information they'd gathered from neighbors).

Frank simply turned Natasha's personal computer on hoping to find something relevant. Actually he just wanted to know more about Natasha. When he was browsing through her folders finding nothing but a few photographs of her, he realized that Natasha's computer was connected to the internet. He opened the browser to check his mail. Thats when he realized that Natasha was living alone and did not have the need to sign out or password protect her PC. The browser took them directly to Natasha's mail inbox which was full of notifications of new scraps from the Social networking site Orkut. So Cabby and Frank now sat in front of the PC and logged into orkut.

They browsed through all her scraps to find that there was a long conversation with one particular user. "Chilldudeonfire" They checked out his profile to see it was full of obscene pictures of nude women. The display picture, the photo album, the videos, the community section they were full of obscene pictures. Why would Natasha be in contact with such a person?
=================
When Cabby and Frank were hanging out later that night, at a coffee house

"Hey Jones, gimme your e mail" said Cabby

"What? I thought I already gave it to you" Jones.

"I guess I misplaced it." said Cabby


"chilldudeonfire@hotmail.com" said Jones.
====================

Confusing Personalty

I don't understand myself.

Is it me or the people I hang around with?At times I decide to put up this attitude and scorn at people, be snobbish and never talk to anyone unless they talk to me first. I do it so much that it's kinda second nature to me now but it really isn't me. The other times, I decide to be really nice and polite to everyone. I'm really a people's person but at times, I walk through a corridor where I know everyone and no one smiles at me.

I smile at them. They see me. But they don't return it. Some give me blank expressions as though I did something crazy. Others walk past me as though I don exist at all. You know what? Some of these people I consider are totally below my caliber. I don have to go outta my way to please these bunch of freaks. This one particular incident has happened so much and that's the reason I decide to put up that attitude I told you about. It makes me wanna cut their noses. But that isn't me! I'm not snobbish by nature but these cheap freaks puttin up an attitude in front o me?! Me who's way too good for these bunch of monkey crap shitholes and they manage to fuck me up. Whats more I cant pick on them cuz some of them are like goons and I don't really fit in the "thug" category.

Well So I'm confused. Do I be myself and get snobbed or should I be someone who isn't me? Yelp!

Friendly Woes - Part 2

The Past: Chapter 1

Childhood buddies, Cabby and Frank, heard of the new neighbor, a mysterious man who looked like a bunny. Jones seemed timid and puny. His cherubic face and long ears did make him look like a rabbit. And he had a double chin and fair skin that'd become pink when exposed to sunlight. Cabby was the first to know him.

Cabby was going back from work when he noticed Jones waiting for a bus. He offered him a lift and Jones turned out to be a "fun guy". They talked, typical of men, about food. Burger and beers. Their favorite brands and sports. That evening, they had dinner together and Jones was introduced to Frank, a stock broker.

Jones said, "Well I guess we'll share dinner then."

They had a great time. They invited him to the apartment they shared.

"There's this really hot chick that moved a few days back right opposite our apartment. We've both been trying to impress her. We have an agreement. Whoever sleeps with her first, the other person must back off."

"How long do you have to know someone before you make agreements with them? Cuz I'm all ready to join this agreement." Yeah right they thought.

They went into the apartment, deliberately sounding louder than necessary and trying to sound smart. Wise rather. Jones read the name plate on the door opposite theirs. It read Natasha.

The next day Natasha went missing.

Friendly Woes - Part 1

The Present

The wind blew real hard kicking up dust in a pseudo-sandstorm and the dark clouds gathered above to watch the brawl about to happen. The lights dimmed, the street lamps flickered on the deserted sand road on the calmer end of the city. But for four life forms, it was empty. In front of the barber shop, three men and a frog were present. The frog croaked. A sign that it might rain. The thunder clapped as though it were acknowledging the frog's croak. Two men,Frank and Cabby, with toned bodies that were accustomed to fighting and one not so macho man Jones were walking.

By the time Jones realized that he was in for it, Frank had locked his arms in a deadlock from behind him, clasping his neck and arms behind him. Cabby was approaching him, rotating his wrist as a warm up to what was about to come. Jones felt the chill down his spine and then all over his body as it started to rain. The weather even more bleak and the entire evening was gray. Six o clock, Batman Gray. Cabby had a menacing look on his face and a terrorizing fury in his eyes, full of vice and malicious intentions, all of which was conveyed by the expression on his face.

To Jones everything seemed to happen in Ultra slow motion. He could see Cabby winding his arm all the way behind him and delivering a full blow on his cheek with all the momentum he could gather. For a moment, Jones had an Out of Body experience and was looking at himself being beaten up. He saw the impact of the fist on his cheek. How his cheeks vibrated around the fist, taking its impact, absorbing the shock. He saw how his face turned along the direction of the blow. He saw drops of saliva, sweat and rain fly off his face. He saw his broken tooth trace a trajectory to the ground. His head propped to his side. The rain washing away the blood that was oozing from his mouth.

He was shoved across the road. His vision blurred due to the swollen eye. His cheekbone or jaw must have cracked for he felt the heat and the pain. He was dripping wet. Frank's fist felt like a hammer as it pounded into his abdomen delivering an earth shattering blow to his kidney. Jones was breathless for a second when all the air was pumped out of his lungs as he stumbled backwards due to the force and fell on the road. With his one eyed blurry vision he saw their faces as they were coming to get him. Leaning on one of his elbow, he tried to get up but he couldn't. He dragged his entire body weight to move as far away from them as possible. He couldn't think clearly. Images flashed across his mind. He coughed and blood spilled all over his vest. Frank and Cabby had all the time in the world, because in reality Jones was hardly moving. Perhaps at snail's pace.

Food, Farts and Impromptu Speeches

Some people always have the tendency to notch up my craziness a bit. We compliment each other. The other day I was hanging out with a high school pal of mine in a local fast food. We were discussing about the Attitude of Farts. Farts are a way of life. Some people Fart like they don't care and some pretend it was someone else. We characterized people based on their Fart-itude(A term we coined). And I wouldn't divulge the details for your benefit but the single most interesting thing we came up with was the "LPG fart". LPG stands for Liquefied Petroleum Gas. Now the Petroleum alone has nothing to do here. The LPG fart is one that comes out of a person suffering from Diarrhea. When such a person farts, some of the liquid tends to come out along with the fart, which is why it's called LPG fart. I bet you wouldn't want to read about the B2(stealth Bomber) Fart.

The conversation turned into a totally different and a less gross topic when we discussed about public speaking. He said he'd read a book by Dale Carnegie on Public Speaking and she said even professionals experienced stage fear and it was, in fact, good to have some amount of stage fear. I told him about the Mind Opener's Club where I'd once been to. They have an anniversary function every year where the members of the club display their skills at Impromptu speech. There were different styles. They played block and tackle where the same person speaks for and against the topic. It was an amazing Display of talent but the best part of the entire showcase was this technical round where a speaker goes on stage and requests the audience to come up with some words. We said "luck", "perspective", "mind", "optimism" and he had to make a speech that used all these words..Impromptu and he did not even take more than a second to start off.

What he said(not quoted verbatim here) did not really make sense to the extreme but he made a pretty good show with "I have discussed the matter with various people. Some say it is because of luck. But you will have to look into the matter with a better perspective. And to go about it with an open mind helps one identify the problems. But one must always be optimistic about it." I don't remember the rest of it but this was like the best public speaker I'd ever seen and I was totally bedazzled by his performance.

By the time this conversation ended, our Chilly Idly Fry arrived. So we suspended the conversation to dig into our dish.

Am I whacko?

I dunno if it's just me or this entire world is going berserk.

Totally excited about exams. Well, no they don't excite me and I don't enjoy them. Exams are the epitome of the phrase "The Brutal Reality" or "Reality Bites" cuz like it or not u gotta write 'em.

Anyway what could be more wrong with a teenager(end teens) who cant get enough of blogging but somehow the rest of the virtual world has forsaken a blogger genius by not giving him enough comments(I totally appreciate those of you who HAVE commented but the rest of you gotta eb ashamed of yourselves). And as of now I'm totally addicted to the TV sitcom series FRIENDS. Joey's the Best. Okay I don wanna get started cuz there's a pal of mine who makes quizzes out of the episodes. So if he knows, I'm gonna be quizzical...or is it quizzed?

I think now I know why I considered the name "Incoherent Ramblings" as my blog Title. Anyway, I was browsing through a few blogs and I decided that if ever there was a "Worst-ever blog" award then it'd be a tough competiton between the guy who has a blog for 8085 assembly language programs(bet half of u don know hat that is...sorry I'm an engineer look it up) and the other guy who runs a blog that lets u download latest Hindi movies like Sholay(the old one) and one more called Aawara with a link on his blogroll to (hold ur chests) Natraj Comics!!

I have a really loving mom. She called up three of my friend cuz I got a li'l held up and she thought I met with an accident. On the one hand it's really touching to have someone care for u but on the other hand twas really embarrassing especially cuz I lied to my friends so i could go home and study but unfortunately the bus broke down. Well I guess I have the flair to egt myself into such tough situations...nah Tricky is a better word.

And I just had a bigoted friend who tried to convince me that I'm whacko and needed to consult a psychiatrist all cuz I asked if she thought I was crazy. Swore to myself I'll never do that again. So guys...I know its a li'l late but there is no time limit for sending out god wishes...May you all burn in Hell. Amen.